another one bites the dust

It's that one day of the year again.
Of 365 possibilities,
it is the one that persists to engage thoughts
of where I'm going,
who I am,
and what the heck I'm doing!


My birthday.

Every year I pen my thoughts,
not only on where I've been
but of the things I think are going to happen.
The things I never imagine happening.
The things that take my breath away.

I've heard the running commentary that when you turn a certain age, you'll have a better idea of what you want. As I look back over the wealth of life lived, I realize I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be at 32...(cough cough...I mean 23!) but my desires and wants for my life have not really changed, they've only matured...
like good wine.

I want to jump out of planes
off rocks
and into life.
Give me the back seat of a fast bike any day!

I want to continue meeting people
and discover new places...
to be stretched beyond my comfort zone
and be awakened
by emotions,
tastes,
smells,
textures,
adventures.

I want to know God more.
There's so much I still don't understand.
So much I haven't met.
So much that remains a mystery
awaiting discovery.

I want to know peace.
I want to know quiet.
I want to live there
in moments of silence
and reflection.

I want more time...
to read.
to listen.
to create.
to laugh.

I want to see healing
in relationships.
Families.
People.
To experience restoration
and renewal
of body
mind
spirit.

I want to dive into the depths
of the unchartered waters of my soul.
To come face to face with myself
and accept the reflection.

I want my life to count
not just in the tangible world
but the spiritual.

I want to continue unwrapping
the layers,
memories,
and moments
in my friendships.
To live each day to the fullest
with those who make life full.

And I want to do life with someone...
the elusive "one"...
who will wake up beside me
walk through these twisted paths of discovery with me,
and still want to crawl in bed at the end of the day!


I want to share every moment -
each victory or defeat -
the good,
the bad,
the ugly...
hand in hand,
heart in heart
with someone who will make my soul smile
and persevere through whatever needs to be faced
together.

The things I want from life may never change
or find fulfillment in the new year that lies before me,
but I will not live with disappointment...
only expectation
and in anticipation for the unknown.
Here's to another year of discovery...
beginnings,
continuations,
and the infinitely more
that God has up his sleeve!

one...two...

This weekend saw me at the edge of a cliff...
literally and figuratively.


From the water it hadn't looked so daunting,
but now, with toes peeking over the side,
my thoughts were breathless at the realization of height,
the blast of the cold wind against my already shivering body
with the promised "warm" water a few 30+ plummeting feet below.
The fear churning in my stomach was matched only by the rising anticipation of the sheer rush in stepping off the edge.
Nothing was there to stop me,
and yet my feet seemed glued to the rock by my thoughts:

Wow...that's farther than it looks.
You're not 10 anymore.
You don't have to prove anything.
You're not 10 anymore.
It's really cold right now...imagine that cold magnified by being wet!
And you know, you're not 10 anymore...

Got it.

Loud and clear.

Not 10.

And yet there was something in me that was starving for that thrill...
that weightless feeling of falling through space -
held for a moment by the taste of not having to be in control,
and overcoming every fiber in my body that is riddled with fear.
I've grown up tending to do the exact opposite of every seemingly "logical" pathway in my life.
Why stop now?

It had been a belaboured effort to even get to the cliffs.
It was cold and wet outside, and I was already tired and sore from my morning run.
It meant changing out of my warm clothes and into a damp swim suit.
My comfort would be in question.
My card game would be abandoned.
My personal heat would be depleted.

All the things that stop us in life seemed to pile up in thought...
The things that you've always done.
The things that you can't imagine yourself doing.
Traditions.
Security.
Attachments.
Responsibilities.
Expectations.
Anticipations.
They chide us to stay on our couches and remain comfortable.


And when we win with those thoughts,
we exchange the hesitation to stand at the edge of unchartered waters to face our fears -
those unanswered thoughts in our head that beg us to back away from the cliff.
The cliffs of life...
faith...
love...

It's a long way down.
You'll need to be vulnerable - you might get hurt.
What if you get rejected?
Everybody else has life figured out.
What will people say?
You're not 10 anymore...
It's amazing the subtle fears that will keep us from experiencing life in all it's fullness.

I don't want to look back at my life in regret,
or wonder what could have been.
I want to take every opportunity to live life to the fullest...
Every minute.
Every day.
Even when I'm cold and tired.
Even when I'm unsure of what's waiting at the bottom.
Even if it means letting go of my organized control (did I just say that?!!)
or my uncanny habit of trying to figure life out before it happens.

And so I did what I usually end up doing...


And when my head finally emerged from the water,
the thrill of the fall still tingling my skin,
my heart pounded in unison with my thoughts...
"I gotta do that again!"

Some people will stay contently on their couches,
but I will continue to seek my cliffs to face my fears,
daring to hope,
hoping to dream.
I will try my best to relinquish my control
even if it means plummeting into the unknown.
I never want to wonder what would have happened if I had only jumped.

Anybody want to find a cliff with me?